Nothing says “depression” like drinking handle vodka ladled out of the plastic garbage can you stole the day your job went the way of the S & P 500. Somebody deserves a Dick Punch - and that somebody is you.

Dick Punch is named in honor of the ruined broker who reportedly punched Lehman Brothers rockstar CEO Dick Fuld in the face while Fuld was de-stressing in the Lehman gym after a hard day of destroying the American financial system.

Dick Punch is the drink that fits your new station in life. Start with the worst vodka in the store, then add the finest powdered Kool-Aid money can buy, and sugar, cause it’s cheaper that way.

Although any vodka will do, we recommend one available in plastic, which will reduce the cost per unit significantly. Plus it won’t break if you drop it in the way home while wracked with sobs.

Stir with your unopened 401K statement, drink it out of a discarded Big Gulp cup and sniffle into your closed fist.

What will it take to numb the pain? Just $8.69 plus tax, less than your buddies used to drop on a Diet Coke at Scores.

Enjoy the orange slices. ‘Cause that’s dinner tonight.

COMING THURSDAY ON One Big Kitchen: “Lehman Crumbles,” a cookie bar that’s rich, crusty and leaves a million tiny crumbs behind.

Kristin Kunert is a marketing analyst and freelance writer in Pittsburgh, PA. She knows her way around a spreadsheet better than her kitchen. This is her first article for One Big Kitchen.

Recipe: Dick Punch

(Cost: $8.69)

1 750 ml bottle vodka (Nikolai) ($5.99)

3 envelopes Kool-Aid, (Fruit Punch, Orange, Black Cherry) ($1.20)

2 cups sugar ($.45)

3 quarts water

3/4 cup lemon juice ($.73)

2 oranges ($.60)

Dump everything into the wastebasket and stir briskly, but without signs of irrational exuberance, using an unopened 401K statement.

Slice the oranges and float them in the mix.

Ladle, over ice, into glasses, or appropriate vessels like your “Employee of the Month” mug.

Filed under: Crash Courses, Home cooking, Recipes, drinks, fruit, stunt-cooking, vegan & veg